My potential dating profile

I know it’s WAY too soon to start dating (I’m in a needy frame of mind) so I’m going to try to save myself the heartache and try to wait until near the end of this year to seriously date (if my loneliness and my lawn can holdout that long).  So in November, if worse comes to worst and I have to put an ad on or eHarmony, I’ve been thinking of what my ad might say….

Read it and tell me if I sound too bitchy or if I need to add/subtract anything.

The short & sweet description:

I’m looking for an independent man.  Ideally a man that can cook well (and likes to) and someone who can make me laugh!!  Think Jack Black or Vince Vaughn crossed with Rocco DiSpirito or Emeril Lagasse.  Someone responsible, caring, shows lots of physical affection, patient, faithful, loves unconditionally, knows how to have fun, likes to travel, is passionate about something, athletic, not overly materialistic.  Someone who is attractive but not too attractive.  Someone with some style & class.  Someone that has flaws.  Someone who wants at least 2 to 4 kids and likes dogs (particularly little ones).  Someone who is educated or at least on a career path.  Someone who knows how to manage their money but also knows how to live a little.  Someone who can communicate.  Someone who is laid back and drug/smoke free.  Someone with a creative mind and open-minded (but not too open minded).  Someone that has respect & morals and preferably believes in a God (or is spiritual in some form) but isn’t a bible thumper.  Someone who doesn’t mind an independent professional woman.

The long & shallow truth (if you can handle it):

“Isn’t a bible thumper”
Translation:  If you’re going to get on to me for saying F*** or Dumb B**** every now and then, or binge drinking, or watching Howard Stern, then I’m not the girl for you.  A little sin here and there never hurt anyone, right?

“Style & class”
If you own/drive a big ass gas guzzling redneck truck (and you don’t know how to park it) or you still own/wear clothes from the 80’s, then you’re not the guy for me.  You don’t have to look like you jumped out of GQ magazine everyday but I don’t want to be embarrassed to walk next to you in your parachute pants.

Translation:  If you look like Brad Pitt (and you know it), you’re not the guy for me.  I need someone attractive & confident yet humble. I hate cocky guys!  I don’t want you always thinking I’m below you on your scale of attractiveness (whatever that means, you know what I mean?).  Cute but not too cute.  Pretty but not too pretty.  I like a manly man (and usually clean cut), someone who can work on cars, program the TV, kill a spider, throw a football, drink a few beers, and likes to make good time on road trips.  A real man.  No vegetarians either, I don’t want to feel guilty eating a big juicy steak in front of you.

“Not too open minded”
Translation:  If you want to go to “swingers” parties every week or you get pissed off that I wont try a bite of monkey brains on your mission trip to Bangladesh or that I won’t take up a new religion worshiping the Milky way, then I’m not the girl for you.  I need someone who is grounded and stable.

“Loves unconditionally”
Translation:  If we have a huge argument and I say some mean things, you’ll still kiss me good-night.  When I gain a little weight, you still say I look beautiful.  When I’m PMS’ing and bitchy, you surprise me with my favorite Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.  When I get down, you rent a funny movie.  When I have a headache, you’ll rub my neck without me asking.  All I’m suggesting is that my happiness is important to you, no matter what and you still love me 20 years from now, when I’m old, grey and wrinkly.

“Not overly materialistic”
Translation:  The scene in the movie American Beauty comes to mind when Annette Bening interrupts the kiss with her husband to make sure he doesn’t spill wine on the sofa (“the $4000” sofa)…  If you’re constantly trying to keep up with the Joneses and you adore material objects, name brands, etc. more than what’s really important in life, then you’re not the guy for me.  It’s just a couch!

“Passionate about something”
Translation:  This means that you have some kind of hobby in your life that you love.  I don’t want to be your only interest (but I don’t want to be last on your list either).  If you’re overly passionate about watching sports or drinking beer, then you’re not the guy for me.  Sitting on the couch all day on Sunday watching sports is not my idea of a fun day off together.

“Make me laugh”
Translation:  I’m not saying you have to be a full-time stand-up comic, but I love love love to laugh so if you can’t at least make me laugh out loud every couple days, you’re not the guy for me.   A cross between Dane Cook, Joel McHale, Sinbad, & 80’s Eddy Murphy would be ideal.  But I don’t want someone who is a class clown and can’t be serious when the time calls for it.

Translation:  If you get pissed off easily and my “slowness” annoys you to the point where you’ll yell and scream at me at the drop of a dime, you’re not the guy for me.  My brain took a dump somewhere after turning 21 and I now suffer from CRS so if you’re going to be all hurt that I don’t remember something you told me 3 days ago, then I’m not the girl for you.  I’m not as on the ball as I once was (maybe had something to do with being on the 10 year plan for my BBA), so if this is going to frustrate you, then I’m not the girl for you.

“Knows how to manage money”
Translation: You are not in major debt.

“Shows lots of physical affection”
Translation:  I need a lot of physical attention and affection.  THAT DOESN’T MEAN SEX.  I just grew up in a family where love was shown through kisses, hugs, cuddling, etc.  If you have a problem with me giving you 14 kisses on your neck in the grocery store or snuggling with me while we’re watching a movie on the couch, then you’re not the guy for me….and you could be gay.

“Knows how to communicate”
Translation:  If you keep your feelings inside and don’t know how to relate to a woman or communicate your feelings with her, then I’m not the woman for you.  Good communication is a major requirement of mine, it’s a must for any relationship that I am in to work.  Yet, if you over-analyze every little thing I do, and you’re a controlling paranoid jerk, questioning my every action, then you’re not the guy for me.  I also have an identical twin sister.  Twins are “different”, you either get it or you don’t. And only time will tell if you get it because if you don’t, there is no future for us.

“Has flaws”
Translation:  If everything in your life is perfect and you are perfect, then I’m not interested in you.  That could mean that you might be boring and/or unempathetic to my imperfectness (is that a word?).  I’m definitely not perfect, I have issues (past, present, & future ones) and I don’t want you to be so perfect that you can’t relate or you’re intolerable of that.  I like a person with character & flaws.  If you killed small animals as a child, those aren’t the kind of flaws I’m looking for.. [*cough* psycho *cough*].  I just want someone who’s real and in touch with reality.  You’d be surprised how many people aren’t.

Translation:  If you have a wandering eye, an “opportunist” attitude about love/sex/relationships, an unhealthy addiction to porn, trouble being faithful, or the rationality that when I gain a few pounds you deserve to fool around with that cute new girl at your office…take your balls and run now because two words come to mind: Lorena Bobbitt!  And I’ll add, NO SEX TILL MARRIAGE!  That means that you’ll have to be cool with a 2 year dryspell while we’re dating!…(that should weed out all the horn-dogs out there!)

“Someone that can cook”
Translation:  It’s the 21st century and newsflash, women are working full-time jobs outside of the home now (for those of you who hadn’t noticed).  If you envision your future as coming home from work and having a hot gourmet meal waiting for you and our 3 children in the sparkling clean dining room, dream on!  There is no way in hell I’m going to work my ass off all day, get home at 6pm and be expected to keep the house clean and have dinner ready every night (that is unless you can afford to keep a stay at home wife/mom, we can negotiate).  So ideally, you would be happy & willing to clean & cook dinner sometimes.  I’d be happy to trade that for doing your laundry.

“Someone who is independent”
Translation:  If you have nothing else going on in your life and you’re a mamas boy who expects me to be barefoot and prego in the kitchen, and doing everything for you, then you’re not the guy for me.  If you’re controlling and possessive or paranoid and clingy, then you’re not the guy for me.  Also, if you had to take your own photograph to put up on Match, you’re not the guy for me.  This either means that you don’t have any friends to take the picture or you don’t get out enough and do fun things that would be captured on a friends camera at least.  Same goes for camera phone taken pictures.  Get with the 21st century and buy a damn digital camera!!  I cannot date anyone who is still living in the technological dark ages.

“Someone who doesn’t mind an independent woman”
Translation:  If you are going to freak out or come stalk me when I go out dancing with my girlfriends every once in a while and try to play it off like “we just happened to come to the same place”, I hope you have fun because it’s the last night you and I will see each other.  I can’t handle insecure/clingy/jealous people (don’t get me wrong, ambivalence sucks and a little jealousy is probably okay). I prefer not to have that kind of drama in my life.

So let me know…Am I being realistic about whom I’m looking for in a future husband? or are my expectations to high or demanding?  too bitchy? too unrealistic?  Could I find this all in one person? or is it too ambitious?  I could “settle” for 80-90% of this I guess.

Also, do you think rebounding is healthy? or not?  Someone suggested to just date all of the wrong guys for a while and then I’ll get some dating experience and be ready for the serious dating come November.I’m already tired of being alone but I know it’s not healthy to jump into anything.  Especially when my dating radar is completely broken & dusty from being on the shelf for nearly 10 years.  I have no clue how to do this.  And from what I’ve gathered so far…guys are coming out of the woodwork and are only interested in one thing.  Being single sucks!


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