Habits, Pick up lines, & Saturday nights

I was able to sit down and catch up on some magazines this 3 day Labor Day weekend.  It was a miracle because I have piles of magazines in my “to read someday” pile since the day I gave birth to my first child… 5 years ago.

Today, I chose to breeze through the August 2013 edition of Albuquerque The Magazine.  It was the “Hot Singles” issue where they spotlight a few dozen of the cities hottest single & available people.  I was just curious as to what all these “hot singles” were like now that I’ve been missing from the singles scene for over half a decade.  It was interesting to see how all the singletons answered all of the poignant get-to-know-you questions poised by the editors.  So I decided to answer how I would respond to the same questions, being a married mother of 2 young children….

It’s a Saturday Night.  What are you doing?
Watching the same kids movie for the 200th time.  Then, rushing the kids to bed for my husband & I to watch a grown-up movie, then falling asleep 10 minutes into it…. at 9:30pm

Best habit:
Not relying on an alarm clock (thanks kids)

Habit you really should break:
Being late EVERYWHERE, all the time, no matter what… & blaming my kids, even when they aren’t with me.

Best pick up line you’ve ever used:
Wanna just get take-out & go to bed (early)?

Which Celebrity do people say you look like?
Pretty much every day people tell me I look like the mug shot of Nick Nolte

Favorite Word:
Vacation

Least Favorite Word:
Poop

If you were a New Mexican Dish, What would you be & why?
Whatever dish is served best half eaten, cold, & in a doggie bag headed home

What is the last text message you sent?
“Sorry, the kids [ruined, hid, lost, got] my phone again.”

Bleh.  Happy Monday on a Tuesday tomorrow.  “But at least it’s a short week”  Short for who? Singletons without kids, I guess.  LOL!

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Kids Kick Your Ass

Whether you’re old, young, gay, straight, single, or married, the options & possibilities to have children seem to be within everyone’s reach, now more than ever before.  Even so, the choice should not be taken lightly because plain and simple – kids kick your ass.

That may sound harsh & negative but it’s the truth.  Even well adjusted, patient, intelligent, educated, “successful” people STILL get their asses kicked by having kids.  Don’t get me wrong, I would cut off my right arm or stand in the path of a freight train for my kids but that still doesn’t negate the truth of the matter.  There is no amount of advice or preparation that can make the first few years of parenthood any easier to handle.

If it’s not the sleep deprivation that knocks you out in the first year, it will be the toddler years for the next few.  When I heard the old cutesy “terrible two’s” statement, it never really registered in my brain as being something real & tangible.  I was in denial….  MAJOR denial.  The terrible two’s (and the 3’s, & sometimes the 4’s) are a lesson in pure patience & love.  In no other relationship in your life would you reason with a person who was so…what’s the word I’m looking for… DELUSIONAL?  IRRATIONAL?  HORMONAL?  UNCOMPROMISING? … INSANE?

Normally, if I had someone in my life that was disrespectful, emotionally & physically abusive, or moody, I would wish that person well and take the first road out of crazy town.  If your boss assigned a coworker a job that she wasn’t thrilled about so she threw her cup of coffee in his face and started crying, I think she’d be getting the pink slip before the meeting even ended.  Or if you suggested your boyfriend take a bath and he screamed, slapped you across the face & told you that he hated you, I think he’d be single soon.  Or if you tried to take the phone from a friend at 2am so that she didn’t do any tipsy texting, and she threw herself on the ground in the middle of the street kicking and screaming, I think you’d flag the closest cab and say “peace out”.

Aside from maybe that last one, you would never have or maintain relationships with such crazy, irrational people.  Yet, with your own kids, you are forced to.  You have to try to reason with someone who has no reasoning ability… no logic… nor common sense.  You have to try to negotiate with someone who will not compromise.  You have to try to calm an irrational crazy person who would easily pass the test to be considered legally mentally insane.  But they’re not, they are “just in their terrible two’s” and they live in the same house with you, every single day for YEARS, and you have to take care of them.  It’s kind-of absurd to think about.

People always told me that having kids would change my life but I didn’t really *hear* them.  Before I had kids, I’d see parents out with their kids, they’d seem to be annoyed or frustrated and short with their children and I’d always feel bad for their kids.  I’d say to myself, ‘gosh, when I have kids, I’m going to be the best parent ever, I’m going to be energetic, I’m going to be engaging, I’m never going to sit them in front of the TV, I’m going to quit work & stay home with them, I’m going love & kiss them every chance I get, I’m never going to hurt their feelings or get mad at them.  I’m going to glow with appreciation for them at every second of the day”.  Let’s just say I was very naive & IDEALISTIC.  Now, when I’m out with my kids, we parents give each other understanding nods & smiles.  We KNOW.  We’re beat down, we’re tired, we’ve been cleaning up somebody else’s bodily fluids and dealing with crazy little people for YEARS!!!  We’re Parents. We have finally given in to our new roles, we couldn’t beat them, so we joined them.  We now play Baby Einstein music in our cars, Elmo movies on “date night” at home, and tote our kids around to watch them in the hilarious “hearding kittens” experience that is known as preschool soccer.

I have to say that God has a HUGE sense of humor to send me the gift of having children in my 30’s.  It has definitely been a learning curve.  It’s been a struggle at times to re-purpose my life and realize what is most important.  I’m only human.  It was hard to get my ass kicked… humbled… broken down.  I think this is almost like a near death experience, like those people who come back from a near tragic experience and then make the most out of every day of their life from that point on.  I think having toddlers is like that, you feel so far removed from your center sometimes.  They take, take, take, from you physically & emotionally that you get a sense of your life flashing before your eyes in a way.  What was once yours, a calm logical mind, a clean house, nice unbroken things, clean walls, minimal loads of laundry, a backseat free of mystery sticky stuff (I could go on & on), is threatened by this mini person.  And yet you wouldn’t trade the experience for anything else in the world.  Ever.  It’s strange.

They had a dinner at my son’s preschool a few weeks ago for parents to have a “night off” of cooking dinner.  I looked around at all the other parent’s, and everyone seemed… well, broken down.  We were all eating dinner quietly, letting our kids run buck wild around room chasing each other.  We didn’t care because we were all in the same boat, happy to get a hot meal with other ass-kicked parents who didn’t give us evil eye for our out of control children & vice-versa.  In a restaurant, it would have been a different story, we would have been half way home already with our lukewarm meal in a doggie bag to eat home.

There is a point where you just let go and accept your new life of being unselfish, and loving how freeing it is.  Kids force you to be in the present moment, to smell the roses (or the poo rather).  It’s THE hardest, most unappreciated job in the world, but its the BEST, most fulfilling job at the same time (I’m not sure how that oxymoron statement could even exist but it does).  People always comment on how busy or active we seem “for having kids”.  I think that is what is great about parenthood, it puts life into perspective and makes you really savor every single moment (even the moments that you don’t really want to savor).  I think having kids makes me appreciate my life so much more.

Aren’t you gonna Frisk me?

Friday started off better than any other Friday this year.  My Mom is home from Guam for a month and she spent the night at our house.  I awoke with childlike excitement, hearing my Mom’s muffled voice in the kitchen.  I hurried out of bed to sneak up on her from behind with a big hug.  We laughed, teased the kids all through breakfast, while Charlie hurried out the door for work on his bicycle (he tries to be “green” on Fridays).

My Mom & I got lost in conversation and no surprise, I was LATE FOR WORK.  We finally got serious, stopped chatting, dressed the babies and I headed out the door for work.  I was lending my Mom my car for the day so that she could go up to her house in Tijeras & run errands.  I was going to use Charlies SUV.

As I loaded him into his car seat in the SUV, Gentry asked cautiously “You don’t know how to drive Daddy’s car, do you?”.  I chuckled a little bit and said “Of course I do, I’m a grown up, I can drive Daddy’s car just fine.  Don’t worry”.   And we sped off down the street headed to drop Haven off at the daycare.

Nearly a mile away I realized I had forgotten to grab Gentry’s lunch, so I made a u-turn on Wyoming and rushed back home.  A few minutes later, as I pull up into my driveway, Gentry says “Momma, Police lights”… and I say “Whaaaa?” and I look in my rear-view and sure enough, a cop with flashing lights is pulled up right behind me.

Startled, I quickly realize that I must have been speeding, so I open the car door & look back.  The cop is halfway to my door by this point and he looks frightened and yells at me to “Stay in the vehicle”…. I slam my door quickly and I can see the neighbors peering out their window…

The police officer approaches the window cautiously and I give him a great big smile and I say “I’m so sorry officer”.  At this point he kinda smiles back and looks relieved that I’m not some hardened criminal.

He says “I followed you with my lights on all the way from where you made that illegal u-turn.  The way you were zipping through the neighborhood, I though you were tying to flee.”  At this point I actually laugh out loud at the thought of me being in some high speed chase scene with the APD.

I said “Oh my gosh, you’ve been following me since I made that u-turn???” and I covered my mouth in disbelief.

He said “Yes, Maam, You wouldn’t pull over.  Did you not see me?”

I said “No Mr. Officer, I didn’t”.  Then he said “Well, you need to look in your mirrors more often”….  I decided not to tell him that I hadn’t adjusted Charlies mirrors to my height yet, so even if I had been looking in them I wouldn’t have seen a thing.

So he says “License, Registration, & Insurance Please”…

Before I start looking through Charlies glove-box, I roll down the back window and I say “Look Gentry, It’s a real live police officer.  Remember, you’ve been wanting to meet one in person, and now we finally got pulled over so you can see one up close & personal”  And I look at the Police Officer and say “He just LOVES police officers”.  I glance over my shoulder and both Haven & Gentry are completely ENTHRALLED with him, giving him big smiles and waves.

I start digging & digging for the paper work and CLEARLY the police officer realizes I’m a complete mess so he says “Look, I’m going to go run your license.  When you find your Insurance & Registration just hold it out the window so I know you found it.

After 5 minutes , I end up having to call Charlie because I cannot find the paperwork.  It’s in the visor, he says.  So I find it, I hang it out the window.  The cop finally comes back and says, “I’m just going to give you a warning.  Just so that my boss knows that I’m doing my job.  But you have to never ever do that again.  No more illegal u-turns and no more speeding.  And check your mirrors more often.”….

I say “Oh yes, yes sir.  Thank you so much Mr. Officer (I think they like when you call them Mr. Officer).  I was just running late for work, I was in a hurry, I had forgotten his lunch at home, and my Mom was distracting me and I stayed up late and I usually don’t do that” … etc. etc.

Needless to say, Gentry INSISTED on calling Daddy to let him know I “got in trouble”…. And I figured, heck why not.  Charlie already knew I got pulled over because I had to call him to find the paperwork.  So I dial the phone and hand it to Gentry, just a little curious as to what he’d say….

“Mommy almost got arrested, she made an illegal u-turn Daddy.  The policeman almost took her to jail”, Gentry said with excited enthusiasm only a 3 year old could have about such a description…..  I had to laugh to myself.  It was so cute hearing Gentry “tattle” on me.  After he hung up the phone with Charlie, Gentry kept repeating “You must not ever do that again Mommy”… I can only imagine what he told the teachers at school about me later.

Yes, I’m shameless for using my cute kids to get out of a ticket.  But heck in all honesty, it WAS the truth, Gentry is completely obsessed with meeting police officers right now.  I’m also sure that he probably took one look at me: hair a frizzy unbrushed mess, eyes bloodshot (from the long late catch up session with Mom the night before), wild toddlers in the backseat, and the fact that I was stupid enough to drive all the way into my driveway before I even noticed him.  He probably thought, gosh this lady could be one step from the ledge if I give her a ticket.  LOL! TGIF!

Corsets & Cookie Monster

I got a call out of the blue from a casting agent asking me to be an upcoming movie being filmed in Albuquerque.  I couldn’t quite figure out how they got my name & number but I figured it was from when I had signed up my kids in a few talent agencies years ago.

Since I have a regular 8 to 5pm day job, I kind-of wanted to find out what the movie project was all about before I gave her my answer one way or the other.  The only two words I needed to hear was:  Johnny Depp and I promptly told her that I was “in”.  She said it was a movie called The Lone Ranger and she asked me to show up on set the following Tuesday for wardrobe fitting.

Tuesday came and I told my boss I was going to take a long lunch.  I drove out the set location, several miles west of Albuquerque.  It was a little western town in the middle of nowhere that they had built especially for the filming of the movie.  They had even built their own railroad with real running train cars for the set.  You can see a video clip by clicking here: The Lone Ranger set

I stepped out of the transportation van into another era.  Everyone was dressed up in period pieces from the 1840’s, all drabbed out in muted brown & grey tones, dressed head to toe “in character”.  There were hundreds of railroad workers with suspenders on and black greasy faces.  The women were dressed up in big poofy long dresses, pointy boots, little fitted jackets with tiny umbrellas, and curly locks pinned up under hats.  I felt so out of place in my bright colored flowery tank top, shorts & sandals.  It felt like I had gone back in time and into another century.  It was AMAZING!

1840's Dresses

1800’s Dresses

I found the wardrobe tent amongst all of the other tents behind the set and checked in with the wardrobe director.  She asked me to strip down to my undies and no bra.  I gasped in disbelief “What?”.  She said “They told you on the phone that this was a fitting, right? We need to put you in your costume today.”  I guess I hadn’t really paid attention to what the lady on the phone had said after I heard those two little words (Johnny Depp) but I was completely unaware that a fitting was more than taking waist & hip measurements over my clothes.  Eeeeeek!!!

I promptly stripped down to just my undies and stood there.  I heard someone quietly laugh behind me and I glanced over my shoulder.  There was another woman changing by herself & she gave me a smile.  I looked down and realized that was wearing the Sesame Street undies that I had just bought the week before.  They had a big Sesame Street cartoon faces of Elmo, Cookie Monster, & Oscar the Grouch across the butt area.  I wanted to DIE.   I quickly tried to explain that I bought them because I have toddlers and just to make them smile I wanted to wear ELMO on my butt…. Yep.  Really embarrassing.  I’m a 34 year old woman wearing underpants with sesame street characters on them!  No wonder they were on sale at Sears….  kinda creepy & inappropriate for a mid-30’s woman to be wearing toddler cartoon character undies…

The wardrobe woman put me in a real cotton corset from the old days with metal hooks in front, lace up tie in the back.  She then put me in a full old fashioned petti-coat with the huge wire ring around the bottom so that when you walk it bounces & nothing hits your legs so you feel like you’re walking around naked.  She covered that with a big heavy dress, full of many layers of ruffles.  She added a long sleeve blouse, a little jacket, a shall, a fancy coin sack, and a bonnet hat that tied in the front.  The final piece she added were REAL old fashioned madam boots, those cute little lace up boots with the little hourglass heel & pointy toe…  I loved them!
When she was done dressing me up & “fitting me”, she took a photo & labeled it with my name & a # and told me she’d see me the following week for the filming of the “Jupiter train scene”.

I went home and googled the movie.  It came up with a cast listing.  Armie Hammer plays the Lone Ranger himself.  He’s the actor who played one of the arrogant twins from The Social Network.  We found out later that our very own babysitter, Shelby, was playing the Stand In for Ruth Wilson’s character. And Berry Pepper was the little girls Dad in the movie True Grit.  The director, Gore Verbinski, seemed to be a Johnny Depp fan.  He has directed him in Pirates of the Caribbean & Rango, both of which were nominated for and/or won Oscars.  He also directed “The Ring” (Naomi Watts) and “The Mexican” (Brad Pitt & Julia Roberts).

It’s only $9 per hour but I’ll take it for the experience… another bucket list item: To be in a major motion picture movie even only if as a background actor – check.

http://www.movieweb.com/movie/the-lone-ranger

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I hope God understands

This Easter Sunday was one to remember…. Or maybe better to forget.   It started out with Charlie & I getting to sleep in a little (and by “a little” I mean till 8:15am) due to the kids staying up later than usual the night before.  Charlie was feeling unusually tired due to getting a tetanus shot that Friday, so I happily took on breakfast duty and made a batch of chocolate chip pancakes with bananas & whipped cream on top. They were delicious if I do say so myself.

Shortly there after we all ventured outside to check on the mini goats.  We discovered they had gotten in the patio (AGAIN) and one of them still had “runny” poo instead of the usual pellets.  Frustrated, Charlie exclaimed that if he never had to clean up poo from the patio again it would be too soon.  So while Charlie cleaned up the poo, I watered the flower bed.  Then I sat on the couch swing with Gentry and relaxed.  In true Gentry fashion he couldn’t sit still for long and he started climbing up the swing and hanging from the built in shade awning above.  To keep him from falling on me, I told him to swing to the side of me instead of directly above me.  As I pushed his body to the left of mine & looked up, he let go and his head slammed directly into my face, specifically my nose.  We both immediately broke out into tears of pain.  Charlie & Haven ran over to comfort us but we both just held our faces & cried.

Things eventually calmed down and about 30 minutes later I had gone inside to google “cause of runny poop in dwarf goats”,  while holding an ice pack on my swollen red nose.  Just then I hear, Charlie talking to Gentry on the patio “You pooped in your pants? How did you poop in your pants?”… and as I hear Gentry start to describe why, I just burst out into uncrontrollable laughter and it hurt my face to laugh (which was in a full-on face headache by then but I just couldn’t stop laughing)…  Needless to say we never made it to church on Easter Sunday.  I hope God understands.

No shoes, No shame

I have to reflect on my first day of heading back to the gym last week after taking 6 months off.  I hastily threw my workout clothes & shoes into my work bag and rushed off to work.  When I got to work, I threw my bag under my desk and suddenly realized that I there were two different sneakers in my bag, one a grey, blue, & yellow New Balance and the other a black & purple Asics sneaker.  In my haste, I had pulled two different shoes out of the dark closet.  Ugh!

But bound and determined to get my first workout in of the Spring, I borrowed my sisters running shoes (luckily she & I work at the same company and wear the same size shoe).   She was very gracious & willing after she laughed at me for packing mismatched shoes.  She stated “I’m never having kids, they ROT your brain”….  I was more than willing to blame this incident on my having kids now, but then I remembered back nearly 7 years ago to the date, and I was in the same boat…  I must have also ALWAYS been running late so I can’t blame that on my kids either anymore…:
Tuesday, January 24, 2006

I had heard of it happening to other people and wondered if it might actually ever happen to me….

Well….this morning the dreaded thing happened to me… and I didn’t even notice until two hours into work….

I probably deserved it though…

Right after I made a snide remark to my husband (Karma is a BITCH!),  I ran to put my shoes on, glanced in the mirror and shuffled out the door at 8:05am (in my usual late style)….

So as I’m running from where I park downtown to my federal building, I sort of notice that one heel sounds differently hitting the sidewalk than the other but I don’t really pay attention to it because I’m in a full-on sprint to make it before my bosses boss makes the rounds and finds that my computer is not even booted yet at 20 after.

So I get in, unnoticed, and settle in, check my email and go on calls, moving PC’s, fixing issues, etc.  My bosses boss calls me into fix a problem on his PC, so I walk in and upon walking on his chair pad (whatever that hard plastic thing is called that your chair rolls on) I again notice that my heels sound different, so I casually look down…..

And *GASP*….I was in disbelief!

So he looks down to see what I was so stunned about….”You’ve got on two different shoes” he says.  OMG!!!  I couldn’t believe that I had actually done it.  Holy crap!  These were really two different shoes, both high-heels but one shiny with a flat bow and the other matte with some foe black suede and a little buckle and higher than the other….

Sheesh!!  The epoxy kill-every-last-brain-cell-you-have paint crap that we had used to resurface our bathtub on Sunday must have really killed some important brain cells, first I didn’t remember to set my alarm for Monday morning, and now this? This is why I could never get away with doing drugs (or sniffing paint).  I can’t believe it happened to me! ME!  But it’s so funny acutally, everyone who has noticed just cracks up and shakes their head.  I had to tell people on the street on the way to lunch that this was just “the new trend for 2006, haven’t you seen it yet?”.  So embarrassing though!  What a twit I am.

Furthermore, last week on the same day that I packed the mismatched tennis shoes, I was running late to the 4:15pm class at LA Boxing so I had to change in the car at stoplights along the way.  I finally get there and park and I cannot for the LIFE OF ME, get the zipper of my skirt down. It was STUCK about a quarter of the way down.   Any normal person would have gone home but I was still bound & determined to do the class.  It was my first day back and I couldn’t let it defeat me.  I was 15 minutes late anyway so I knew most everyone would be paying attention to the instructor. So I head in, find the General Manager and ask her to accompany me to the rest room. She looked at me funny but followed me.  Once in privacy, I tell her that I cannot get my skirt zipper down and if she could tug on it for me.  So we try everything for a good 5 minutes with no success.  The thing wouldn’t budge up nor down.  I finally just have to tear myself out of the skirt, incredible hulk style, (yep, just like I did in that dressing room several months ago). Humiliated, I still did the class, tasted blood in my lungs, & nearly passed out, but I did it.  So THERE you EVIL Girl Scout Cookies!!

I’m still going to return and finish my month out.  I apparently have no shame (I think you lose the ability to have shame once you give birth to a child LOL!)

In hindsight, I think my body was subconsciously trying to get me bail on working out, it wasn’t ready for the winter hibernation to be over.  Either that or the universe was trying to:

a:) get me to look like an idiot with 2 different shoes on at the gym

b:) let me know I’m too fat to change in the car

My potential dating profile

I know it’s WAY too soon to start dating (I’m in a needy frame of mind) so I’m going to try to save myself the heartache and try to wait until near the end of this year to seriously date (if my loneliness and my lawn can holdout that long).  So in November, if worse comes to worst and I have to put an ad on Match.com or eHarmony, I’ve been thinking of what my ad might say….

Read it and tell me if I sound too bitchy or if I need to add/subtract anything.

The short & sweet description:

I’m looking for an independent man.  Ideally a man that can cook well (and likes to) and someone who can make me laugh!!  Think Jack Black or Vince Vaughn crossed with Rocco DiSpirito or Emeril Lagasse.  Someone responsible, caring, shows lots of physical affection, patient, faithful, loves unconditionally, knows how to have fun, likes to travel, is passionate about something, athletic, not overly materialistic.  Someone who is attractive but not too attractive.  Someone with some style & class.  Someone that has flaws.  Someone who wants at least 2 to 4 kids and likes dogs (particularly little ones).  Someone who is educated or at least on a career path.  Someone who knows how to manage their money but also knows how to live a little.  Someone who can communicate.  Someone who is laid back and drug/smoke free.  Someone with a creative mind and open-minded (but not too open minded).  Someone that has respect & morals and preferably believes in a God (or is spiritual in some form) but isn’t a bible thumper.  Someone who doesn’t mind an independent professional woman.

The long & shallow truth (if you can handle it):

“Isn’t a bible thumper”
Translation:  If you’re going to get on to me for saying F*** or Dumb B**** every now and then, or binge drinking, or watching Howard Stern, then I’m not the girl for you.  A little sin here and there never hurt anyone, right?

“Style & class”
Translation:
If you own/drive a big ass gas guzzling redneck truck (and you don’t know how to park it) or you still own/wear clothes from the 80’s, then you’re not the guy for me.  You don’t have to look like you jumped out of GQ magazine everyday but I don’t want to be embarrassed to walk next to you in your parachute pants.

“Attractive”
Translation:  If you look like Brad Pitt (and you know it), you’re not the guy for me.  I need someone attractive & confident yet humble. I hate cocky guys!  I don’t want you always thinking I’m below you on your scale of attractiveness (whatever that means, you know what I mean?).  Cute but not too cute.  Pretty but not too pretty.  I like a manly man (and usually clean cut), someone who can work on cars, program the TV, kill a spider, throw a football, drink a few beers, and likes to make good time on road trips.  A real man.  No vegetarians either, I don’t want to feel guilty eating a big juicy steak in front of you.

“Not too open minded”
Translation:  If you want to go to “swingers” parties every week or you get pissed off that I wont try a bite of monkey brains on your mission trip to Bangladesh or that I won’t take up a new religion worshiping the Milky way, then I’m not the girl for you.  I need someone who is grounded and stable.

“Loves unconditionally”
Translation:  If we have a huge argument and I say some mean things, you’ll still kiss me good-night.  When I gain a little weight, you still say I look beautiful.  When I’m PMS’ing and bitchy, you surprise me with my favorite Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.  When I get down, you rent a funny movie.  When I have a headache, you’ll rub my neck without me asking.  All I’m suggesting is that my happiness is important to you, no matter what and you still love me 20 years from now, when I’m old, grey and wrinkly.

“Not overly materialistic”
Translation:  The scene in the movie American Beauty comes to mind when Annette Bening interrupts the kiss with her husband to make sure he doesn’t spill wine on the sofa (“the $4000” sofa)…  If you’re constantly trying to keep up with the Joneses and you adore material objects, name brands, etc. more than what’s really important in life, then you’re not the guy for me.  It’s just a couch!

“Passionate about something”
Translation:  This means that you have some kind of hobby in your life that you love.  I don’t want to be your only interest (but I don’t want to be last on your list either).  If you’re overly passionate about watching sports or drinking beer, then you’re not the guy for me.  Sitting on the couch all day on Sunday watching sports is not my idea of a fun day off together.

“Make me laugh”
Translation:  I’m not saying you have to be a full-time stand-up comic, but I love love love to laugh so if you can’t at least make me laugh out loud every couple days, you’re not the guy for me.   A cross between Dane Cook, Joel McHale, Sinbad, & 80’s Eddy Murphy would be ideal.  But I don’t want someone who is a class clown and can’t be serious when the time calls for it.

“Patient”
Translation:  If you get pissed off easily and my “slowness” annoys you to the point where you’ll yell and scream at me at the drop of a dime, you’re not the guy for me.  My brain took a dump somewhere after turning 21 and I now suffer from CRS so if you’re going to be all hurt that I don’t remember something you told me 3 days ago, then I’m not the girl for you.  I’m not as on the ball as I once was (maybe had something to do with being on the 10 year plan for my BBA), so if this is going to frustrate you, then I’m not the girl for you.

“Knows how to manage money”
Translation: You are not in major debt.

“Shows lots of physical affection”
Translation:  I need a lot of physical attention and affection.  THAT DOESN’T MEAN SEX.  I just grew up in a family where love was shown through kisses, hugs, cuddling, etc.  If you have a problem with me giving you 14 kisses on your neck in the grocery store or snuggling with me while we’re watching a movie on the couch, then you’re not the guy for me….and you could be gay.

“Knows how to communicate”
Translation:  If you keep your feelings inside and don’t know how to relate to a woman or communicate your feelings with her, then I’m not the woman for you.  Good communication is a major requirement of mine, it’s a must for any relationship that I am in to work.  Yet, if you over-analyze every little thing I do, and you’re a controlling paranoid jerk, questioning my every action, then you’re not the guy for me.  I also have an identical twin sister.  Twins are “different”, you either get it or you don’t. And only time will tell if you get it because if you don’t, there is no future for us.

“Has flaws”
Translation:  If everything in your life is perfect and you are perfect, then I’m not interested in you.  That could mean that you might be boring and/or unempathetic to my imperfectness (is that a word?).  I’m definitely not perfect, I have issues (past, present, & future ones) and I don’t want you to be so perfect that you can’t relate or you’re intolerable of that.  I like a person with character & flaws.  If you killed small animals as a child, those aren’t the kind of flaws I’m looking for.. [*cough* psycho *cough*].  I just want someone who’s real and in touch with reality.  You’d be surprised how many people aren’t.

“Faithful”
Translation:  If you have a wandering eye, an “opportunist” attitude about love/sex/relationships, an unhealthy addiction to porn, trouble being faithful, or the rationality that when I gain a few pounds you deserve to fool around with that cute new girl at your office…take your balls and run now because two words come to mind: Lorena Bobbitt!  And I’ll add, NO SEX TILL MARRIAGE!  That means that you’ll have to be cool with a 2 year dryspell while we’re dating!…(that should weed out all the horn-dogs out there!)

“Someone that can cook”
Translation:  It’s the 21st century and newsflash, women are working full-time jobs outside of the home now (for those of you who hadn’t noticed).  If you envision your future as coming home from work and having a hot gourmet meal waiting for you and our 3 children in the sparkling clean dining room, dream on!  There is no way in hell I’m going to work my ass off all day, get home at 6pm and be expected to keep the house clean and have dinner ready every night (that is unless you can afford to keep a stay at home wife/mom, we can negotiate).  So ideally, you would be happy & willing to clean & cook dinner sometimes.  I’d be happy to trade that for doing your laundry.

“Someone who is independent”
Translation:  If you have nothing else going on in your life and you’re a mamas boy who expects me to be barefoot and prego in the kitchen, and doing everything for you, then you’re not the guy for me.  If you’re controlling and possessive or paranoid and clingy, then you’re not the guy for me.  Also, if you had to take your own photograph to put up on Match, you’re not the guy for me.  This either means that you don’t have any friends to take the picture or you don’t get out enough and do fun things that would be captured on a friends camera at least.  Same goes for camera phone taken pictures.  Get with the 21st century and buy a damn digital camera!!  I cannot date anyone who is still living in the technological dark ages.

“Someone who doesn’t mind an independent woman”
Translation:  If you are going to freak out or come stalk me when I go out dancing with my girlfriends every once in a while and try to play it off like “we just happened to come to the same place”, I hope you have fun because it’s the last night you and I will see each other.  I can’t handle insecure/clingy/jealous people (don’t get me wrong, ambivalence sucks and a little jealousy is probably okay). I prefer not to have that kind of drama in my life.

So let me know…Am I being realistic about whom I’m looking for in a future husband? or are my expectations to high or demanding?  too bitchy? too unrealistic?  Could I find this all in one person? or is it too ambitious?  I could “settle” for 80-90% of this I guess.

Also, do you think rebounding is healthy? or not?  Someone suggested to just date all of the wrong guys for a while and then I’ll get some dating experience and be ready for the serious dating come November.I’m already tired of being alone but I know it’s not healthy to jump into anything.  Especially when my dating radar is completely broken & dusty from being on the shelf for nearly 10 years.  I have no clue how to do this.  And from what I’ve gathered so far…guys are coming out of the woodwork and are only interested in one thing.  Being single sucks!

 

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